Nice surprise

OFF to the land of pizza, pasta, and La Cicciolina..
OFF to the land of Prada, Limoncello and hairy guys, golden chain and unbuttoned shirts...

Felice. Happy. Heureuse.
So happy to be going on holiday. Very nice surprise.
E tra due giorni, arriviamo Venise, Florence et Pise !

Back home

Today, my husband came back home after 7 weeks working in Australia. 
Returning back in 17 days. 
If anything, it makes me appreciate him even more while he is here with me.

A trip to the dentist

Today, I had to go to the dentist. I felt very numbed for a few hours.

.

And one tooth less..

And Me,
after the dental torture.....

Lost...

...Wandering the streets..

Today I decided to go to a music festival in Cardiff.
It rained. hard. Rest assured: there was torrential rain all day.
My journey started at the train station.
I wasn't sure where to go or what to look out for. I just had a quick look at Google Map this morning before leaving. I wished I had looked harder. The thing I found out is that in this area there's not what I call a display of street names on walls ! I still can't believe that they put the house numbers on display but no street names plates on walls. How do foreigners know in which street they are. How do they find their way around town? No point looking at a map then. Not that there was any either. So instead of asking for directions, I first decided to follow a few guys on a busy road on the right... Well quite unwise decision. I ended up at a cross road.
I stopped a random spotty guy.
"Where is Mount Stuart ?" I said
"You mean The docks?" he said
"Mmm, yes, probably, it might be ??" I replied, having no idea what he meant.
"It's that way", pointing in the entirely wrong direction.
Left right right...
"Ah ok". There I went.

I ended up fifteen minutes later in a dirty road with no exit...

I so wished the spotty guy got even more acne scarring on his face.

I wish the bearded guy
looked like him

This time, a bearded guy was coming towards me. I asked him "Where is Mount Stuart". He replied, and oh well, he just couldn't stop talking for 5 minutes, and he was talking so fast and furious that the idea of taking the directions in shorthand crossed my mind... But I just was so busy at nodding and pretending I got it. I forgot half the directions as soon as he told me.

As instructed, I went the other way. 
In the rain. 
Wishing the bearded guy were never born
Left left right.

Sigh....
Double sigh....

...not him....

I wished the ugly bearded got lost in a forest somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

And as for this last guy I asked where Mount Stuart was, he replied to me like a scouse teenager. "Yu must tuk da bass, me darlin'..." That strangulated voice... Painful ! I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. 
I  thought he was eating and talking to me at the same time.  As I watched him swallowing his words, I wished I could put subtitles on, like on TV. He kept ending his phrase with "dya no warra mean". ??
Oh well.

Time to give this Music festival a miss.
After all, I'd rather go another day.
With an umbrella. 
And when it's sunny.
And I'll use the bus.
For now, back to square one.
Still in the rain.
And no umbrella, ella, ella, ella.

That's how my hair looked
at the end of this journey

MORALE :
 Never ever leave again
your umbrella(s)
at home

Partager

Le temps peut parfois sembler très long quand on est seule. Le Mari vit quasiment en australie et moi je vis seule ici. J'ai l'impression de vivre en célibataire mais sans les "avantages", facon de parler évidemment, je ne veux pas de ce genre d'avantage. Ou bien dans la meme idée, de vivre mariée mais sans l'etre... 

Quand on est seule, on ne sait pas à qui parler, à qui se confier, avec qui rigoler. On apprend a etre encore plus seule, on devient un caméléon. Un caméléon solitaire.

J'aimerais tellement dire a tout le monde que cette solitude me tue.

Comment dire que le temps d’une soirée, que je donnerais tout pour retrouver le confort de mon petit appartement parisien, mon travail au ministere, la joie d’une virée entre amis à Paris, le plaisir des repas entre amis, meme la lumière grise parisienne, les voix ringardes en VF des séries télé et les Pépitos trempés dans du café au lait. 

Ca me manque d'avoir un lien fort avec quelqu'un ici.

J'ai besoin de partager.

Mes amis me manquent tellement.

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Time can sometimes seem very long when you're alone. Mari lives almost in Australia and I live here alone. It's a bit like living as a single but without being single, way of speaking of course. Or similarly, like being married but living on my own ... 
When you are alone, you do not know who to talk to, to confide in, laugh with. You learn to be even more alone, we become a chameleon. A lonely chameleon. 
I would love to say to everyone that this loneliness is killing me. 
How to say that just for an evening, I would give anything to return to the comfort of my little Parisian apartment, my job at the Ministry, the joy of an escape in Paris, the pleasure to have a meal with friends, even the Parisian grayness, or the nerdy dubbed voices series and Pepitos soaked in coffee with milk. 


I miss having a strong connection with someone here.
Who doesn't need a friend ? I need friends. I need to share.
I miss my friends so much.

A ma mere.

6 mai 2014.

Aujourd'hui, cela fait 1 an qu'elle est partie. Un an déja.

Il y a tellement de choses que je pourrais dire mais j'ai le coeur bien trop lourd.

Un an apres, ne plus avoir ma maman n'est pas ma premiere pensée du matin, ni la deuxieme ou troisieme, non, ca revient juste par moment, comme ca, sans prevenir, dans une journée au hasard, sans raison apparente, parfois juste en observant une famille, parfois quand quelqu'un parle de sa mere ou parfois  en cherchant une date dans un calendrier, au mois de mai.

Je regrette profondément de ne pas t'avoir revue pour te dire au revoir.

Je regrette tellement de m'etre éloignée toutes ces années.

Je n'ai pas été une bonne fille et je m'en excuse du fond du coeur.

Je ne pourrais jamais rattraper tous ces moments perdus avec toi mais tu restes pour toujours et a jamais dans mon coeur.

A tous ceux qui ont encore votre mere, estimez-vous vraiment chanceux, soyez heureux et appréciez et profitez de chaque moment partagés avec eux.

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6th may 2014

Today, it's been a year she's gone. Already a year.
There is plenty I could write about but my heart is too heavy.

A year after, not having a mother anymore isn't my first thought of the morning, nor the second or third, though it comes back in my head, unexpectedly, during a random day, without any apparent reason, whether it be while observing a family, or someone talking about their mother or while searching a date in May in a calendar.

I deeply regret not having seen you to say the last good bye, I deeply regret to have been estranged from you, I don't think I have been a good daughter and I sincerely apologize. I regret that at the time I couldn't let go of all the suffering that caused my heart to harden.

I know I'll never catch back all those lost moment with you but you'll be forever in my heart.

Tomorrow will be just another day, but today, it’s not.

To all of you who still have their mother, feel fortunate, be happy and value the time you share with them.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there, I did not die.

Mary Frye, American poet (1904 - 2004)

3- The Abuser - Whoever comes will be welcomed with opened arms

Below is my last email sent to the Abuser following his previous apology
(to follow the sad story, first read that   part 1 and that  Part 2 )

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"Dear Abuser",

Your last email finally kind of open up the door to a future and is a big step to go forward, to right the wrongs, make the things right, however you say it in english.

You know, by getting you and me "talking" again, it does help making me feel  more "comfortable" with you again, it helps me want even more to put that very stressful conflit behind us and move on. You care about my feelings and I guess that probably will help me feel safer with you again. Though it might take for me a bit of time to get there and for my heart to fully heal, until then it might take a little bit to build that trust back, it will probably take effort and time, but I have come to terms with myself and think it over and want to get past all that.

I mean (I try very hard to say it in english but bear in mind the translation of thoughts is not the same at all and is definitely lost somewhere), right now, and I am very honest to my feelings, I just can't erase it from my memory like that and forget it right now, just like that, as I absolutely do not want to repeat it. I mean what happened. No way !

I'm not holding a grudge or whatever, it's just that for now I know I just remember. 

Very very difficult to express my thought in english, you can't imagine how it is. It sounds confusing but it's not, I just hope you'll surely understand the main lines anyway.

I can tell you I am working on it.

Because leaving in the past sucks. Because  life is too short. And I want to make myself happy. And if I am happy, my husband is indeed very happy. I am glad we are working things out. Yes I am glad we do.

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========================================================================

The end ? Yeah well. No. Not really.
When I wrote this letter, I really thought I wanted to make this work with the Abuser.
At least this time, he seemed sincere and I was willing to.

So everything is all right now ? Right ?
Wrong.

About a week or so later, I had the extreme honour to receive a call from the Abuser himself... And you konw what ?  I couldn't help but being a bit wary. But not enough...
He didn't call to talk about the issue we were trying to resolve. 
Or to say "Happy we are sorting things out between us".
Truthfully, stupidly enough, I thought that was where the conversation was going : rekindling friendship. Discussing the problem we just tried to resolve. Burrying the hatchet.
How stupid I felt. I didn't see the rest coming. 
But how could I ?

In fact, he called me to ask me not to come to his wedding that was to take place a couple of weeks later in December.

Despite the falling out and the very fresh "apology" of the Abuser, my husband and I both had agreed that he would not go without me to his wedding. He would stand up by me. His wife. Question of respect. Like a united couple. Married couple come as a pair, and as a married couple, we are part of a team, right? If he is invited, WE are invited.
That was the deal, right?

To be even more precise, we were meant to go ONLY to the wedding ceremony but not to the reception/party because of all these ongoing issues with the Abuser. 
And to avoid all the other issues with the ex and all the haters getting mad because I am here as well. Oh I feel so loved....

So we had even planned to drive back home (3 hours drive) right after the ceremony and get ready to go out and have a meal somewhere the both of us.

When the Abuser gave me the fresh news of me being excluded from his wedding, I was so shocked I couldn't even properly talk english or rather I couldn't even talk anymore on the phone. I felt as if the sky felt on my head.

The Abuser told my Husband that he wanted Daddy to come alone, not with his wife. Not because of himself the good son Abuser, but because of all the Haters. I have a very big non-fan club apparently. He even let me know that my own very brave husband had agreed with him (I can not get over my husband's cowardness). That killed me.

My very brave husband knew about this change of cap as he was himself a part of it,  but didn't bother to tell me himself about the fact that he would go without me but with his own sister and leave me on my very own for that occasion the whole weekend. No, he didn't tell me anything, he chose what he does best, the oastrich, thinking that by not saying things he would avoid all the problems.

It wouldn't have been such a massive shock to me if I had heard the news from my own husband's mouth rather than to hear it from the mouth of the one who traumatised me in my own home 2 years ago and who just apologized a week ago. The one who slowly but surely eroded my relationship with my husband.

And I shouldn't take it personally ?

My husband leaving me alone that weekend and going without me felt like a sign that he is willing to let other separate him from me, let other disrespect me and put a wedge in our relationship.

I was very sick when I was left alone that weekend. And I mean very sick. When my husband called me, I cried on the phone but he was busy drinking and laughing. Why the fuck am I with him?

I didn't recognize myself and could feel I was getting very very low, very very depressed, very anxious and those feeling persisted month after month. I kind of get tearful anywhere. I want to get out of this black hole.
As a direct consequence, I had a bad nervous breakdown after that. I couldn't sleep any more, I couldn't eat any more. I had constant headaches. I cried constantly. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and as a result I lost 4 kilos within 2 weeks. 
But who cares?
I went back to France and my husband went back in Australia for 7 weeks.

I feel as if they are all trying to push me out of their life, husband included. Fine. I am no longer interested in joining the club. As his wife I really thought I was a part of it ! That was what he kept saying. Such a loving family isn't it. I wasted so much time trying to be accepted rather than my own well-being.

They are turning the trust I had into cynism and I felt so much bitterness and resentment inside me I wanted to throw up every day. I dont like the woman I became. From very open to closed off, from joyous to bitter, from happy to depressed. What's the point in this mascarade mariage?

I don't care anymore what they think, I don't care what anybody think and whether they laugh at me. 
They can go to hell. Karma is a bitch.

It's awful to exclude someone like that, it's awful to be excluded like that, by my own husband especially when you left everything to be with him.
My husband did not have my back. That's a fact.
I truly counted him as my soul mate, But for that I need to feel he has my back. Always. I have a deep-seated very human need to feel I can trust him, and that if someone is sticking in the knife when I’m not there, and when I am there, I want to know he'll defend me, just as I would defend him  if roles were reversed. 
Besides, I need to know my husband will never be the one "wielding the dagger".... Ironic, isn't it? 
This was kind of the last straw.
I feel so very hurt, very wounded.  
I've got a knife shaped wound right in the back of my heart. Like one of these wounds that never heal. I need to pull that knife off my back and take a good and long hard look at it.

I love him deeply but my trust in my own husband once again has been severely shaken.

I have never experienced such a message of rejection as consistent and as strong as they have had at me.
I am thinking of going back home, in France. At last.
And for my  mental state and for my sake, I will.