3- The Abuser - Whoever comes will be welcomed with opened arms

Below is my last email sent to the Abuser following his previous apology
(to follow the sad story, first read that   part 1 and that  Part 2 )

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"Dear Abuser",

Your last email finally kind of open up the door to a future and is a big step to go forward, to right the wrongs, make the things right, however you say it in english.

You know, by getting you and me "talking" again, it does help making me feel  more "comfortable" with you again, it helps me want even more to put that very stressful conflit behind us and move on. You care about my feelings and I guess that probably will help me feel safer with you again. Though it might take for me a bit of time to get there and for my heart to fully heal, until then it might take a little bit to build that trust back, it will probably take effort and time, but I have come to terms with myself and think it over and want to get past all that.

I mean (I try very hard to say it in english but bear in mind the translation of thoughts is not the same at all and is definitely lost somewhere), right now, and I am very honest to my feelings, I just can't erase it from my memory like that and forget it right now, just like that, as I absolutely do not want to repeat it. I mean what happened. No way !

I'm not holding a grudge or whatever, it's just that for now I know I just remember. 

Very very difficult to express my thought in english, you can't imagine how it is. It sounds confusing but it's not, I just hope you'll surely understand the main lines anyway.

I can tell you I am working on it.

Because leaving in the past sucks. Because  life is too short. And I want to make myself happy. And if I am happy, my husband is indeed very happy. I am glad we are working things out. Yes I am glad we do.

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The end ? Yeah well. No. Not really.
When I wrote this letter, I really thought I wanted to make this work with the Abuser.
At least this time, he seemed sincere and I was willing to.

So everything is all right now ? Right ?
Wrong.

About a week or so later, I had the extreme honour to receive a call from the Abuser himself... And you konw what ?  I couldn't help but being a bit wary. But not enough...
He didn't call to talk about the issue we were trying to resolve. 
Or to say "Happy we are sorting things out between us".
Truthfully, stupidly enough, I thought that was where the conversation was going : rekindling friendship. Discussing the problem we just tried to resolve. Burrying the hatchet.
How stupid I felt. I didn't see the rest coming. 
But how could I ?

In fact, he called me to ask me not to come to his wedding that was to take place a couple of weeks later in December.

Despite the falling out and the very fresh "apology" of the Abuser, my husband and I both had agreed that he would not go without me to his wedding. He would stand up by me. His wife. Question of respect. Like a united couple. Married couple come as a pair, and as a married couple, we are part of a team, right? If he is invited, WE are invited.
That was the deal, right?

To be even more precise, we were meant to go ONLY to the wedding ceremony but not to the reception/party because of all these ongoing issues with the Abuser. 
And to avoid all the other issues with the ex and all the haters getting mad because I am here as well. Oh I feel so loved....

So we had even planned to drive back home (3 hours drive) right after the ceremony and get ready to go out and have a meal somewhere the both of us.

When the Abuser gave me the fresh news of me being excluded from his wedding, I was so shocked I couldn't even properly talk english or rather I couldn't even talk anymore on the phone. I felt as if the sky felt on my head.

The Abuser told my Husband that he wanted Daddy to come alone, not with his wife. Not because of himself the good son Abuser, but because of all the Haters. I have a very big non-fan club apparently. He even let me know that my own very brave husband had agreed with him (I can not get over my husband's cowardness). That killed me.

My very brave husband knew about this change of cap as he was himself a part of it,  but didn't bother to tell me himself about the fact that he would go without me but with his own sister and leave me on my very own for that occasion the whole weekend. No, he didn't tell me anything, he chose what he does best, the oastrich, thinking that by not saying things he would avoid all the problems.

It wouldn't have been such a massive shock to me if I had heard the news from my own husband's mouth rather than to hear it from the mouth of the one who traumatised me in my own home 2 years ago and who just apologized a week ago. The one who slowly but surely eroded my relationship with my husband.

And I shouldn't take it personally ?

My husband leaving me alone that weekend and going without me felt like a sign that he is willing to let other separate him from me, let other disrespect me and put a wedge in our relationship.

I was very sick when I was left alone that weekend. And I mean very sick. When my husband called me, I cried on the phone but he was busy drinking and laughing. Why the fuck am I with him?

I didn't recognize myself and could feel I was getting very very low, very very depressed, very anxious and those feeling persisted month after month. I kind of get tearful anywhere. I want to get out of this black hole.
As a direct consequence, I had a bad nervous breakdown after that. I couldn't sleep any more, I couldn't eat any more. I had constant headaches. I cried constantly. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and as a result I lost 4 kilos within 2 weeks. 
But who cares?
I went back to France and my husband went back in Australia for 7 weeks.

I feel as if they are all trying to push me out of their life, husband included. Fine. I am no longer interested in joining the club. As his wife I really thought I was a part of it ! That was what he kept saying. Such a loving family isn't it. I wasted so much time trying to be accepted rather than my own well-being.

They are turning the trust I had into cynism and I felt so much bitterness and resentment inside me I wanted to throw up every day. I dont like the woman I became. From very open to closed off, from joyous to bitter, from happy to depressed. What's the point in this mascarade mariage?

I don't care anymore what they think, I don't care what anybody think and whether they laugh at me. 
They can go to hell. Karma is a bitch.

It's awful to exclude someone like that, it's awful to be excluded like that, by my own husband especially when you left everything to be with him.
My husband did not have my back. That's a fact.
I truly counted him as my soul mate, But for that I need to feel he has my back. Always. I have a deep-seated very human need to feel I can trust him, and that if someone is sticking in the knife when I’m not there, and when I am there, I want to know he'll defend me, just as I would defend him  if roles were reversed. 
Besides, I need to know my husband will never be the one "wielding the dagger".... Ironic, isn't it? 
This was kind of the last straw.
I feel so very hurt, very wounded.  
I've got a knife shaped wound right in the back of my heart. Like one of these wounds that never heal. I need to pull that knife off my back and take a good and long hard look at it.

I love him deeply but my trust in my own husband once again has been severely shaken.

I have never experienced such a message of rejection as consistent and as strong as they have had at me.
I am thinking of going back home, in France. At last.
And for my  mental state and for my sake, I will.

2- The Abuser : the real apology

The Abuser's apology (To follow the sad story, read that first Part 1 )

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Hello again,

I'm writing again because i have been doing a lot more thinking after our emails. When i wrote my first email it was difficult, having not spoken to you for 2 years and then trying to start a conversation when our last times together were tense is not an easy thing to to do very well. Then reading your email about your feelings, that has made me feel very ashamed, i have struggled with sleep since i read it, its one thing to know you have done wrong, but another thing to realise how much you have hurt that person really.

I also felt that i haven't explained myself as well i should have done. Honesty and truth are the only ways we can move onwards after all. So maybe this is all a little redundant, maybe you know all this already, but as you were clear in your feelings i would like to try and emulate that.

I now understand why you have been so upset after those events and why you have not wanted contact with me these past 2 years. The reason i have not tried talking to you before i sent that email was because i myself was hurt. The morning after the argument, we apologised to each other, i was so happy because i knew that i had fucked up so badly, and then we were almost laughing, apologising to each other and it seemed like everything was going to be ok after all. Then you and X went back to work and i was left in the house for the week. My father asked me to cook a dinner for you both when you came back on the Friday as you were still upset. I did, and i apologised to you again, you said what you had to say about it and i could see that you were unhappy, but by the end of the evening everything once again seemed to be at least ok. I had apologised twice and you had accepted both times. I went to work in X from S.W, Then my Father started having conversations about respect, and this that and the other that you had apparently had told him to have with me. This upset me, because twice i had apologised sincerely, twice my apologies had been accepted and now this event that i thought had been dealt with, was resurfacing over and over again. I was angry, because what was the point to apologising if it was just going to be shoved in my face over and over again. Not only that, but it was my Dad who was being asked to have these conversations with with me, that you couldn't just call me or send an email to say what you had to say aggravated me to say the least. 

Now after reading your emails and the way you feel, i know without a doubt that you can understand the way i felt.

Now i would like to apologise for my reaction to your emails, I was shocked first of all that i had hurt you in such a profound way, it was very upsetting for me to see how 2 years of keeping this all bottled up had caused it to build so much and once again i thank you for sharing how you feel with me. I was also obviously shocked that we had such different views as to what had a happened that evening. It is clear that the reason i have apologised to you all these times is because i am fully aware that my part in the argument and its conclusion was wrong, that no matter how much someone can aggravate someone else, that violence is never the answer. But i would like to try and explain that violence also. I pushed you on to the bed, out of explosive frustration, i just wanted you to be away from me, (i know i followed you, but i just couldn't understand why you had avoided the question and refused to answer), not to hurt you. If that had of been my intention i obviously wouldn't have pushed you on to your bed. I just want to make it clear that my intention was not to hurt you and that in the state i was in, things went to far, and that it was accidental that you hurt your leg on the bed. This was obviously still very wrong and once again i apologise, i am just so glad that i hadn't chosen to do something so much worse.

I would like to apologise for my previous emails once again as they were not the way i wanted to sort this out between you and I. We are both adults who can stand on our own two feet and sort this out between us. I would sincerely like for us to move on past the argument that we both had a part in and would once again unreservedly and unconditionally apologise for the way i treated you that evening. I would like this to be a clean start for us if possible where we can finally let this lie, but obviously never forget our mistakes. 

Yours faithfully 

I didn't do anything wrong
I wish I'll never feel that way again

1- The abuser - My adult stepson attacked me

Here is the first email I got from the Abuser after 2 years of silence. He wrote me that letter just below 2 years after the aggression. When I read it, I was dubious of his sincerity and I didn't believe at all in this so-called apology. He is  implying that we had a simple "argument" ! As if it were normal for a young man to attack an older woman, let alone in her own house.

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"Dear Abused"
This mail is long overdue and i should have got in contact with you a lot sooner than this. 

I am writing this because i want to try and be friends again. 

First i want to apologise for the argument we had all that time ago, i never should have lost my temper and i didn't mean to upset or hurt you. I should have had a lot more respect for you.

I am sorry that after all our good times watching films and going for drives and being friends, one night and argument has ruined everything for the both of us.

2 Years is a long time without talking and not being friends, a lot has changed in that time. I understand that things can never be the way they were, but if you are willing, i would like for us to try and be friends again. After all we will both always be a part of Xs life and i think it would be a better life for us all if we once again could have some respect and friendship with each other.

The only thing i ask is that you can also understand some things, that while X is my father and he has helped me out, I am my own person and have also worked very hard to get to where i am. I may be young but i am no idiot, i understand and appreciate more than you may realise. Respect is important, it must be earned and is a two way thing, you can not ask for respect if you can not give respect. 

I say those things only to make clear my feelings, so that you can understand where i am coming from. 

My Father Loves and cares for you, I have good memories of our times together, I would like to try and build bridges with you again because we have lost more in one argument than we ever should have.

If you'd prefer to talk on the phone just let me know when would be best for you, but i found it easier to say what i wanted to say in an e-mail.   

I hope things are going well for you and that it is not too much of a struggle with X being in Australia. 

I look forward to hearing from you. 

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When I first read this email above, I was so shocked. I can't explain. Time passed by but I felt very uncomfortable reading this letter. Everything came back and I felt terrible. I then decided to write what I had deeply hidden. Here is, in blue, my very bitter response to the Abuser.

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"Dear Abuser"
First, I acknowledge your apologies. But then I need to let out my feelings.
I had always done my best to make you (and anyone invited to my house) feel welcome, I had always cared for you and I never ever mistreated or lacked respect for you until that night you targeted me and very drunkenly followed me in my bedroom and violently grabbed me by the throat. No one in my whole life has ever ever disrespected me like you did. In my own home. You crossed the line.
How a massive chock it was.  I would never have imagined that would have happened to me in my own home. And the worst thing Serge is  I trusted you and I felt really betrayed. I so did not expect that from you. Or from anyone at all. You hurt me deep down. I suffered so much your door-slamming rage, your physical assault and your verbal abuse.  This horrible situation left me feeling so powerless and extremely overwhelmed. A 6 foot+ step-son in his twenties assaulting a tiny Woman in her 40. How brave. I couldn't figure out how to handle it. For months I felt confused, desoriented and struggled to get over it as every time I saw you or heard you I just wanted to get away from you. I was scared of you. I just wanted to feel safe again in my own house. I am a person who bottles things up and for months and months it kept eating me inside. You made me feel so insecure and anxious in so many ways.
You cant even imagine the shit I was going through and all alone. No woman deserves to be treated like that.

I am not lecturing you. 

Therefore I am sure you'll agree that I do not need any lessons on "Respect" coming from you. As I have the excuse of not being fluent, I, maybe, misunderstood the sense of what you tried to convey in that very unclear paragraph. I would have thought that apologising unconditionnaly meant that you take full responsibility for your actions, not blaming the person you're sending the apology indirectly...? As if you are still trying to find ways to reject full responsability of your wrongdoing... Are you?
But again maybe, I may have misunderstood... I hope so for the sake of a future. It might not have been intentional? Or personal ? or... whatever.
I do hope that I am wrong when I say I feel that you don't seem to realise how much it traumatised me, how much it affected in very negative ways X and myself, how much it disrupted and impacted very badly our lives. You caused us so much pain in our own relationship. And know that we both can not understand or accept that terrible behaviour you had.

Unresolved conflict don't take a holiday for 2 years and with this email  I need you to know the extent of the damage.

But somehow, we need to clear the air and draw a line under it. 
And I agree, we need to try and work on our relationship.
I won't look back and have regrets

I accept your apology.
I forgive you despite feeling somewhat uncomfortable. Despite still feeling bruised inside.

Time has passed and I am willing to try and move on forward, try to put everything behind me. And not just brush up things under the carpet as if nothing happened.... .

I owe it to myself and my husband to be and to do the best I possibly can.

Now, I have been told that my mother died.  I have a hard time dealing with all that. And again I feel very very upset. It seems this is a never ending feeling. I am here on my own, feeling so out of place, so far away from the ones I love and who care for me to help me go through this. I have the biggest ever knot on my stomach and a lump in my throat.

Happy days.

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I need to add that when all this exchange of emails happened, I just learned via a letter that my mum had died a few months ago and I wasn't in a good mood at all to discuss things, let alone with him, and I was feeling very very low. Getting things off my chest left me feeling neither better nor relieved. I still had a lot of resentment and anger towards him but I promised myself I'll try to move forward. So I thought that was the end of it.Move forward. So I thought.
But then.....

Just below is the second email The Abused wrote in response to my letterThat long and loving letter he wrote below right after he read mine shocked the hell out of me. He was so agressive, hostile, hateful and violent in his writing. I could feel the violence just by reading it. I didn't have a clue why he reacted that way. I was so relieved not to be standing in front of him !I was left feeling again incredibly hurt and gutted and even ashamed of trying to forgive him.In black, his lovely words.And in blue are the responses I sent after I read his loving letter.It guess it will be easier to read first his part in black and then read my response in blue.

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Dear Abused,

Thank you for your response. 

Not let me be clear in my response to you. First I would would offer my condolences to you for your loss. I would also like to congratulate you on your excellent progression in your English writing skills. 

Not my feelings at the moment are of extreme aggravation and anger. I will explain why that is now. What you have written as the events of that evening are wrong. I can only apologise for what actually happened, not for this abomination that you have conceived.

(If you read again my email, I mainly talked about how I felt and the consequences of your attitude towards me. I have not conceived anything. The only thing I described it When I say you followed me drunkenly and grabbed me by the throat, you did grabbed the 2 edges of my shirt, and by doing that you lifted me, my feet were pedaling in the air, trying to get on the ground, I don't know how to say it in properly, and I got a big bruise from my leg hurting the edge of the bed. And you threw me on my bed. If that is not violence Serge, what is it ? The rest is purely subjective and  what and how I felt.)

So I will recall that evenings events as I remember it. I have a wonderful memory, not matter how drunk get I always remember what is said and done. 

We had a lovely evening, food,wine, etcetera. At this point we were all pretty drunk. We were talking about mine and X's possible wedding in the future. It started to get heated, X was saying that I should have the wedding in Switzerland, which I thought was a terrible idea considering almost all my family and Laura's family was in this country. We started to discuss yours and Xs wedding, where you said you were unhappy as non of your friends were able to come and it was only vitals friends who could make it. I said that the most important thing was you and him getting married and that you loved each other. You starting saying that I didn't know what I was talking about and how could I understand anything, to which I got angry because I wasn't expecting such a reaction, when at the time I was actually trying to be nice. I once again said the most important thing was you and him getting married, not who was there. You wouldn't answer, which really angered me as I thought that was incredibly disrespectful on my father. You stormed off, I was very angry, I followed you and yes I shouted at you. You were shouting also, I was so angry and frustrated that I pushed you on to your bed and then left. I was immediately sorry, and said so to vital. I thought that I had ruined everything and possibly ruined your marriage. 

Those are the events as I saw them. I did that 'target you', I did not grab you 'by the throat', you were not a complete victim, targeted by your evil step-son completely unprovoked. I have never done that to anyone before or since, and while I am very sorry for what I did do to you,which I apologised for the day after, the week after and the last email I sent to you, I will not be held accountable for the events that you have portrayed.

Anyone that knows me, knows I don't just get angry out of no where, that I don't physically start fights for people. Please don't claim to have always tried your best for me either or that you have always respected me. I made almost all the effort with you, I took you out on the weekends, went shopping with you, bought dinner, bought films to watch with you. I always appreciated what you did do and tried to understand your situation. But there were times where you also disrespected me, remember the conversation where you were saying that vital did everything for me, got me my work, my car etc and that I would 'be lost with out my daddy?' And I got angry with you because of that, especially because I had never called him 'daddy' in my life? 

(I never said you never respected me. Read again. I felt and know you did until that night. And of course I really did too. Reading you is like discovering petty stuff, things  that have hurt you, but because you did not bothered talking about that at the time it happened, I did not have a clue about that. How to "fix" it if you don't know it?

Regarding the conversation about Vital, I honestly do not recall  a random conversation from all these years and If I said so I certainly didn't want to disrespect you and really apologize if I hurt you. Besides I know you never "hide" behind Daddy...)

So please don't make yourself out to be the hard done victim and me the horrible bastard that has abused you in the most horrible of ways. I tried my hardest with you, and I loved and cared for you, that was genuine, and that is the reason I have tried to make amends with you, I am deeply sorry for what I DID DO to you, that hasn't changed either. But if you can't realise that it was you who drove me that crazy, that what you are accusing me of where you are the completely innocent victim and I am the complete monster, where you had no part in the argument and I just attacked you out of the blue, I can't accept that. I know who I am, and what my nature is, what you are saying is a lie. I can only apologise for the truth, and the hurt feelings and trauma I may have put you through. 

(It's good to know it was genuine.

It can not possibly be a lie because I opened my heart and wrote once again only about how I felt and how it disrupted my life.

I never said I was blameless, innocent or perfect or whatever ! 

But what  I am trying to say is that you do not realise at all is that you need to know there is no excuse for abuse. Whoever drive you crazy does not justify any violence in return.)

So after that bullshit, maybe you do need lessons on respect from me, because I have never felt disrespected by someone after reading that email with your bloody exaggerated and made up events.

So yes I would still like to try and sort this out, but I had never realised how much work there was to do, because at least I can see that I have done wrong and have apologised and am making an effort, but you need to realise that you are not completely blameless in this like you seem to think you are. I know the truth on the events of that night, I recall it all with perfect clarity. You obviously can't, and until you see that night as to what really happened, then I cannot see how we can try and mend this relationship. 

(I think you just need to calmly read my email again without any displaced feelings. I think you must have perceived all the pain and anger I felt on that email.

Now, I have said my piece, you said you piece, I am not interested in doing a "point scoring" or whatever it is called.)

The Abuser

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With his own words, The Abuser even admitted that he "targeted" me on purpose and he got violent towards me for no real reason other than the fact I did not want to respond. When he started to get verbally aggressive towards me,  I stupidly enough refused to respond to him so that things wouldn't escalate... Well it definitely had the opposite effect. But I felt kind of "relieved" that he wrote with the same anger as I could tell he didn't even realise that he owned up to the fact that he definitely decided to target me that night.Anyway. At that point, I couldn't care less.  decided to let go and not respond anymore. He disgusted me.Then a few moment later,  I received another email below.

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"Dear Abused"

Well maybe I have misinterpreted the tone your email, but to read the way you put it made out in my mind that I was the biggest monster to ever walk this earth, that I attack helpless woman, completely unprovoked and have no remorse or comprehension of what is right or wrong.I understand that there is no excuse for any form of violence, especially towards a woman, after all I wouldn't have apologised to your face and in email if I wasn't aware of that. That is also part of the purpose of this conversation after all.

In regards to to the 'petty' stuff as you put it, the point to putting that in there is once again to shatter this image you portrayed in your last email of you being the perfect hard done by step mother, whilst I am the evil step son. I told how I felt at the time of that conversation, the point wasn't the argument, but the fact that the argument happened at all.

So let me try and be clear, I am not trying to score points, after all I wrote to you to try and sort things out, I am glad that I did so that we can try to 'fix' things as you put it, since I wasn't aware of how you felt. I thank you for opening up, as I can appreciate that was very difficult. But I struggle with the tone and Condescending nature of the way you write, especially in your last email. I have apologised for my actions and am fully aware of why they were wrong, after all, it is not much of an apology if you don't know what you are apologising for. 

So if you are willing to move forward from this then I obviously I am as well. I fully appreciate that our relationship will never be the same as it was before, but I am willing to try to make amends if you are. 

All the best

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Believe me, at this point, I didn't want to have anything to do with the Abuser anymore.
I didn't even want to try and arrange things between us any more
I was still so shocked by his previous very aggressive email. Once again, he went too far. I wish he'll be punished one day for the way he tormented me.

Don't keep anything bottled up inside.

 Let it all out !

Express yourself

Un soir, 3 adultes, tres joyeux, beaucoup de bonne humeur, beaucoup de rires, un bon apéritif qui s'éternise, un excellent repas, du tres bon vin...

Stop.

FAST FORWARD

On revient sur le début de la fin.

Une fin de soirée tardive, un ivrogne M. Hyde a pris le controle de ce Monstre Ingrat de 22 ans. D'un coup, il s'est mis en colère et a commencé à me hurler dessus . J'ai demandé pourquoi, mais il a continué à hurler. J'ai gardé le silence, stupéfaite par son attitude. Il a continué. J'ai alors décider d'aller me coucher et de m'éloigner de lui, mais il m'a suivi dans ma chambre et en fait ca l'a rendu encore plus furieux que je me leves alors qu'il continuait de crier dans le vide. Je lui ai dit de me foutre la paix et de me laisser tranquille, je ne pouvais pas lui échapper, il m'a brutalement attrapé par les deux coins de ma chemise et m'a littéralement soulevé de terre, je pèse 59 kilos. Il serrait fort et mon menton et ma gorge me faisait mal tellement il y serrait les deux poings et je paniquais alors je ne pouvais a peine respirer correctement, mes deux jambes pédalaient dans les airs comme si je faisais du vélo dans le vide et je me suis cogné fort le genou  à la base en bois du lit, j'ai eu un énorme hématome noir qui est resté pendant des mois . Il m'a ensuite jeté sur le lit comme une merde. Je jures que je me suis vraiment sentie voler dans les airs et j'ai atterri brutalement sur le lit. Il a fait demi-tour et a claqué la porte tellement tellement fort que la poignée de porte s'est cassée. J'ai été absolument choqué tant mentalement que physiquement. Les 2 marques violacées sous mon menton et sur un coté de ma gorge ainsi que l'énorme hematome noir sur le côté de ma jambe n'ont fait que prouver la violence de son agression.

Que pensez-vous que le Monstre Ingrat ait fait après ca? Il est allé gerber. 3 fois dans la nuit.

Même s'il ne m'a pas «techniquement» frappé, j'aurai du appelé la police. Je le regrette profondément. Jusqu'à aujourd'hui. Ca m'aurait probablement aidé a avancer et ne pas me faire du mal en ressassant jour apres jour apres jour. Une vraie torture mentale.

Il était vraiment haineux envers moi et sa violence m'a absolument choquée. Il n'a meme pas eu une petite larme, un petit regret et n'a rien fait pour se racheter ou se faire pardonner. Non, pendant 2 ans, il n'a même jamais essayer de se racheter. Juste une semaine plus tard, un "Désolé" qui sonnait tres faux et pas sincere du tout. Je jure que j'ai vraiment ressenti au plus profond de moi qu'il n'était pas sincere. Et pour prouver mon point, il a meme agit par la suite comme si de rien n'était et comme si absolument rien ne s'est jamais passé ! Vraiment, je ne pouvais pas le croire.

Ce qui s'est passé m'a completement fait flipper et fait péter un cable. Ca m'a fait tres peur et j'ai eu peur de lui. Je n'aimais plus rester dans ma propre maison quand il y était et que mon mari n'y était pas.J'essayais de l'éviter le plus possible. Comme certains dimanches quand cette situation s'est produite, je prenais la voiture et je conduisais quelque part. N'importe ou. Sans but. Et je me garais quelque part. N'importe ou. Et je chialais jusqu'a ne plus avoir de larmes. Qu'est ce que j'étais mal. J'attendais parfois pendant des heures dans la voiture, a écouter la radio, a lire, j'ai meme essayé de faire une sieste, et quand mon mari n'allait pas tarder a renter, je rentrais et je m'enfermais dans la chambre.

Je ne savais absolument pas comment faire face et gérer tout ce bordel dans ma vie. Je n'étais pas dans mon pays, je n'y ai pas de famille ou amis.J'avais besoin d'un soutien moral.

Par amour pour mon mari, j'ai décidé de mettre ca de coté. En surface seulement. J'ai fait semblant. Imaginez un peu en dessous...

Alors j'ai injustement reporté et transféré toute ma souffrance et ma douleur, mon mal-etre, mon anxiété, ma colere et aussi mon ressentiment sur mon mari. Pour moi, il était aussi responsable. Il n'a pas honoré ses vœux de mariage, protéger sa femme contre  quiconque lui ferait du mal. Le Monstre compris. Et qui plus est ? Dans notre propre maison.

Pendant des années, j'ai  fluctué entre colère et profond ressentiment contre mon mari, et aussi beaucoup de tristesse et de culpabilité. 

J'étais tres en colère à cause de toute cette souffrance que j'ai subi, il n'a pas été en mesure de me défendre moi, sa femme. 

J'étais aussi triste pour lui parce que que je n'arrivais plus a vivre une vie normale ensemble, etre heureuse ensemble et plus grave, je me sentais "insecure" avec lui, j'avais un sentiment d'insécurité profond et  j'avais désormais beaucoup de doutes par rapport a un avenir avec lui.

Et puis je me suis sentie coupable parce que je sais que si je laisse tomber mon mari à cause de la Bete Ingrate, c'est injuste autant pour mon mari que pour moi. Non, Il ne réussira pas à nous faire nous séparer.

Au moment ou ces evenements se sont passés dans la chambre, mon mari ne savait pas le cauchemar qui s'y deroulait parce qu'il était dans la salle a manger. Mais il pouvait bien voir que quelque chose ne tournait pas rond non? Mais il n'était malheureusement pas en état. 

J'ai eu beaucoup de mal à pardonner, absolument traumatisée par cette nuit. A un tel point que je ne pouvais même pas en parler sans péter un cable et me sentir completement déprimée  et incomprise pendant des semaines. J'étais en colere contre moi de ne pas pouvoir faire face. J'étais tres émotive et j'étais devenue très anxieuse et très instable émotionnellement. 

J'ai arreté de communiquer avec mon Mari et je me suis completement renfermée sur moi-meme. J'ai créé un mur autour de moi. Pour me protéger. J'ai décidé de partir en France des que mon contrat de travail serait finit, soit 4 mois plus tard. 4 mois. J'ai pris un aller simple pour Paris CDG. J'étais vraiment tres déprimée, tres confuse, ne sachant absolument pas pas si je reviendrais. J'étais absolument incapable de décider de ce que je devais faire.

J'ai envoyé un email a mon Mari,  je me suis décidée a m'ouvrir sur mes sentiments et lui raconter mon mal-etre absolu, le mal que je ressentais, le ressentiment que j'éprouvais. Il a  été choqué par mes révélations.  Il m'a aussi affirmé combien il avait honte de l'attitude abjecte du Monstre, combien il avait honte de son propre rejeton, comment il était dégoûté qu'il me manque de respect a ce point, combien il était désolé, combien il se culpabilisait de ne pas m'avoir protéger contre l'agression. Qu'il allait lui faire savoir ce qu'il pensait de son comportement. Combien il se sentait coupable et mal de me savoir si mal. Qu'il me voulait heureuse. Je le sais évidemment. Ca a été une longue conversation, sincere et tres importante et j'en aii éprouvé un un réel soulagement.

Mais le Monstre a totalement perturbé notre vie a tous les deux pendant des années et cela a certainement affecté la relation de moi a mon mari.

Pendant longtemps, chaque fois que j'entendais son nom, mon estomac se serrait instinctivement.

2 années apres, j'ai parfois encore les larmes qui me viennent malgré moi quand je me rappelle ce qu'il m'a fait. Ce qu'il nous a fait a tous les deux.

Don't keep your emotions bottled up inside..

otherwise that's what happens....

One merry evening, 3 adults, good atmosphere, lots of laughs, aperitifs, very good food and very good wine flowing...

Stop.

FAST FORWARD

Back to the beginning of the end.

One late night, a drunk Mr. Hyde took over the 22 something Ungrateful Beast and all of a sudden, he became so enraged and started shouting at me. I asked why but he kept shouting. I kept silent and looked at him with astonishment. He kept on yelling.  I then tried to walk away, but he followed me in MY bedroom and this just infuriates him more. I told him to leave me alone, but he didn't want to and I couldn't escape, he grabbed me by the throat, by the two corners of my shirt and lifted me from the floor, I weight almost 59 kilos. My chin and my throat started hurting badly as I could feel his two fists clenched and sinking in my chair and I panicked and couldn't breath properly, both my feet were pedalling in the air, I hurt my knee so badly at the base of the bed that I got an enormous black bruise which remained for months. He then threw me over the bed behind me. I could really feel myself flying in the air and I landed brutally. he then slammed the door so hard the door handle broke. I was chocked beyond belief. The purplish marks under my chin and throat and the big black bruise on the side of my leg just proved the violence of the abuse.

What do you think the Beast did after that ? He went to threw up. 3 times in the night.

Even though he did not "technically" hit me, I should have called the police. I do regret it. Until today. It might have been easier for me to move forward. To stop hurting myself by going on and on about that nightmare. A real mental torture.

He was the one hateful and spiteful and physically abusive towards me.

He didn't show any remorse in his attitude afterwards and he didn't beg for forgiveness. For  2 years, he never even tried to redeem himself for that.

No, what did he do ? just a very quick fake and cold Sorry a week later. 

I swear I could feel from the bottom of my heart that he did not even mean it.  He then acted as if nothing has ever happened ! 

I didn't know how to deal with this. I wasn't in my country, I don't have any family or friends here. And I needed support from genuine friends.

To me, he failed to honor his vows and protect his own wife against the Beast. And what's more ?  In our own house.

I fluctuated between furiously angry against my husband, incredibly sad, and very guilty.  

I got angry because of all the hurt he caused me, by not being able to defend his wife, 

I got very sad because I felt I couldn't never have a normal, a happy and secure life with him again, I was feeling so insecure and uncertain of the future.
And then I got guilty because I know if I left my husband because of the Ungrateful Beast, it's not fair for him or for me. No he won't succeed in making us break up.

What happened freacked me out and frightened me and I got scared of that Beast. I didn't like to stay in my own house when he was in and my husband was not. I tried to avoid being around him. Some Sundays when this situation occurred, I used to drive and park somewhere. Anywhere. And cry the hell out of me. How unwell I felt. I used to wait for hours in the car, listening to the radio, reading, even trying to sleep, until my husband was not far from coming home. And then I'd go back home. And go straight in my bedroom.

For my husband's sake, I pretended to push all that nightmare aside... On the surface only. Just imagine underneath..

So quite unfairly I reported and transferred all my anxiety, my suffering and pain onto my husband. 

When the physical abuse happened, he didn't know at the time what was going on as he was in the living room. But he could hear something was not quite right? He was drunk and not in a state to act as he should have. I had a hard time forgiving him.

I was so traumatised by that night  that it affected me really hard and I couldn't even talk about Him (the Beast) without going mad and feeling depressed for weeks. I was even very angry at myself for not being able to cope with all that shit.  I got emotional all the time and became very confused, extremely anxious and very insecure. It bugged me a very long time. I felt we could not communicate with my Husband. I kept everything bottled up and hide my feelings. I built a wall around me and became distant. And I decided to go back to France as soon as my job contract was finished, about 4 months later. I bought a one way to Paris,  I was still very depressed, not knowing if I would come back to my Husband. I was at complete loss for what to do. 

Following a long letter I emailed my husband, he expressed how much he was sorry and how he was ashamed of the abject behaviour of the Beast, how he was ashamed of his spawn, how he was disgusted that the Monster disrespected me, how much he was sorry and feeling bad for failing to protect me against him. And that he wouldn't let this happen again and would let him know what he thought about his attitude. I know my husband was feeling guilty and down because I was so unwell. He wants me happy. I know that. We had that very lengthy and heartfelt conversation about all that nightmare. And when he did I felt better and relieved. 

Though it disrupted our lives for such a long time and it definitely affected my relation to my husband. 

For a while, when I heard his name, it gave me that uneasy feeling in the stomach. And 2 years after, I still feel tears in my eyes, remembering what he did to me. To us.

There is no excuse for abuse.

Please talk to me...

I know something's wrong..

A friend
That's what you need, 
That's what WE need