Histoires d'une dame d'un certain age: 2013

Sunday 24 November 2013

Coup de cafard

Motta me manque énormément. Bientot 4 semaines qu'il est parti et je ressens un vide énorme ce soir. Ce n'est pas facile du tout de vivre seule, dans ce pays qui n'est pas le mien et ou je ne connais pas grand-monde. Mes amis sont trop loin de moi. J'ai besoin de quelqu'un.

Saturday 18 May 2013

Cheer up..

Mon chéri has been working abroad. He works 7 days a week 10 hours per day. At first he worked in Europe (Italy, Germany, Irlande) but then he found a job in Australia about 2 months ago and he only gets home for 3 weeks every 6 weeks.

Not only is he doing something very important to him, that he really loves doing, but the pay is amazing. It was a big decision for us but I finally understood it even though it affected me big time. I know he is over there for us, to work for our future, to make a much better future for both of us somewhere else.

While he is working there, we do keep in contact over skype or over the phone. And he never ever forgets to call twice a day.

I just can't help big tears falling when he's got to go back to the airport. Every time they prevented me from saying a proper goodbye. Every time It is more of a hug and a sniff.. I can't even speak properly. I almost feel abandoned and I just can't find a way fill the big void he leaves.

I know I should get myself involved in a few projects, set some goals, and done all the things I’m supposed to do to make the time go faster. To make myself forget that I miss him. But I do still miss him. I still want his hand to hold. I still want his eyes to look into. I still want to hug him. It's like I go into survival mode when he goes away and I desperately look forward to have him home,

I would give absolutely anything in the world to have him home but I need to try to support him no matter what. I need to tell him I'll be fine so that he does not have to worry about me alone at home. Try to see through his eyes.

Because despite the distance, he is always there for me and always tries his best to help me. When I get quite depressed and down and have dark thoughts about the whole thing, I am able to see things in a more positive light after we have long talks on the phone and feel much better about it.

But other than that, here I am. I hardly smile properly any more. Some days I can get by but some days it gets really worse. My eyes just fill up with tears for no reason. I haven't got any ties here, no one to love, no one loving me back, no one to get attached to and I feel so lonely in this country. It's crazy. I miss him so much it really hurt and when I am really down I don't feel that this is any kind of marriage to have. Speaking to him twice a day, and then just not having him around at all is so hard. Sometimes I actually kind of feel like a single person at this stage. Most of the time I try not to think about it, but when it does get to me, I almost feel like I've a broken heart.

Random selection

Feeling under the weather (litterally...)

I don't think I fit in with the people around me.
I have never liked living here.
Think about moving from a big capital city like Paris to a hole in a country I would never ever have thought of just visiting even in my wildest dreams.
Sometimes when I wake up and watch through the window I kind of feel so sad.
Another thing here is the weather, it is completely different to what I was used to. It may sound stupid but if you are moving from some place that may not be always sunny, but with at least with 4 seasons, to a country that's often grey, cold, rainy and overcast, that is causing more and more sadness...
Another thing is that I miss so much my friends back home and no one compares to them. They are like family to me. Enough said.
I used to work and now I am not and this is causing many different sentiments. Unemployment is not holidays. To me at least. I am ending up feeling very isolated, very lonely and very depressed.

I feel so out of place.