2- The Abuser : the real apology

The Abuser's apology (To follow the sad story, read that first Part 1 )

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Hello again,

I'm writing again because i have been doing a lot more thinking after our emails. When i wrote my first email it was difficult, having not spoken to you for 2 years and then trying to start a conversation when our last times together were tense is not an easy thing to to do very well. Then reading your email about your feelings, that has made me feel very ashamed, i have struggled with sleep since i read it, its one thing to know you have done wrong, but another thing to realise how much you have hurt that person really.

I also felt that i haven't explained myself as well i should have done. Honesty and truth are the only ways we can move onwards after all. So maybe this is all a little redundant, maybe you know all this already, but as you were clear in your feelings i would like to try and emulate that.

I now understand why you have been so upset after those events and why you have not wanted contact with me these past 2 years. The reason i have not tried talking to you before i sent that email was because i myself was hurt. The morning after the argument, we apologised to each other, i was so happy because i knew that i had fucked up so badly, and then we were almost laughing, apologising to each other and it seemed like everything was going to be ok after all. Then you and X went back to work and i was left in the house for the week. My father asked me to cook a dinner for you both when you came back on the Friday as you were still upset. I did, and i apologised to you again, you said what you had to say about it and i could see that you were unhappy, but by the end of the evening everything once again seemed to be at least ok. I had apologised twice and you had accepted both times. I went to work in X from S.W, Then my Father started having conversations about respect, and this that and the other that you had apparently had told him to have with me. This upset me, because twice i had apologised sincerely, twice my apologies had been accepted and now this event that i thought had been dealt with, was resurfacing over and over again. I was angry, because what was the point to apologising if it was just going to be shoved in my face over and over again. Not only that, but it was my Dad who was being asked to have these conversations with with me, that you couldn't just call me or send an email to say what you had to say aggravated me to say the least. 

Now after reading your emails and the way you feel, i know without a doubt that you can understand the way i felt.

Now i would like to apologise for my reaction to your emails, I was shocked first of all that i had hurt you in such a profound way, it was very upsetting for me to see how 2 years of keeping this all bottled up had caused it to build so much and once again i thank you for sharing how you feel with me. I was also obviously shocked that we had such different views as to what had a happened that evening. It is clear that the reason i have apologised to you all these times is because i am fully aware that my part in the argument and its conclusion was wrong, that no matter how much someone can aggravate someone else, that violence is never the answer. But i would like to try and explain that violence also. I pushed you on to the bed, out of explosive frustration, i just wanted you to be away from me, (i know i followed you, but i just couldn't understand why you had avoided the question and refused to answer), not to hurt you. If that had of been my intention i obviously wouldn't have pushed you on to your bed. I just want to make it clear that my intention was not to hurt you and that in the state i was in, things went to far, and that it was accidental that you hurt your leg on the bed. This was obviously still very wrong and once again i apologise, i am just so glad that i hadn't chosen to do something so much worse.

I would like to apologise for my previous emails once again as they were not the way i wanted to sort this out between you and I. We are both adults who can stand on our own two feet and sort this out between us. I would sincerely like for us to move on past the argument that we both had a part in and would once again unreservedly and unconditionally apologise for the way i treated you that evening. I would like this to be a clean start for us if possible where we can finally let this lie, but obviously never forget our mistakes. 

Yours faithfully 

I didn't do anything wrong
I wish I'll never feel that way again