3- The Abuser - Whoever comes will be welcomed with opened arms

Below is my last email sent to the Abuser following his previous apology
(to follow the sad story, first read that   part 1 and that  Part 2 )

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"Dear Abuser",

Your last email finally kind of open up the door to a future and is a big step to go forward, to right the wrongs, make the things right, however you say it in english.

You know, by getting you and me "talking" again, it does help making me feel  more "comfortable" with you again, it helps me want even more to put that very stressful conflit behind us and move on. You care about my feelings and I guess that probably will help me feel safer with you again. Though it might take for me a bit of time to get there and for my heart to fully heal, until then it might take a little bit to build that trust back, it will probably take effort and time, but I have come to terms with myself and think it over and want to get past all that.

I mean (I try very hard to say it in english but bear in mind the translation of thoughts is not the same at all and is definitely lost somewhere), right now, and I am very honest to my feelings, I just can't erase it from my memory like that and forget it right now, just like that, as I absolutely do not want to repeat it. I mean what happened. No way !

I'm not holding a grudge or whatever, it's just that for now I know I just remember. 

Very very difficult to express my thought in english, you can't imagine how it is. It sounds confusing but it's not, I just hope you'll surely understand the main lines anyway.

I can tell you I am working on it.

Because leaving in the past sucks. Because  life is too short. And I want to make myself happy. And if I am happy, my husband is indeed very happy. I am glad we are working things out. Yes I am glad we do.

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The end ? Yeah well. No. Not really.
When I wrote this letter, I really thought I wanted to make this work with the Abuser.
At least this time, he seemed sincere and I was willing to.

So everything is all right now ? Right ?
Wrong.

About a week or so later, I had the extreme honour to receive a call from the Abuser himself... And you konw what ?  I couldn't help but being a bit wary. But not enough...
He didn't call to talk about the issue we were trying to resolve. 
Or to say "Happy we are sorting things out between us".
Truthfully, stupidly enough, I thought that was where the conversation was going : rekindling friendship. Discussing the problem we just tried to resolve. Burrying the hatchet.
How stupid I felt. I didn't see the rest coming. 
But how could I ?

In fact, he called me to ask me not to come to his wedding that was to take place a couple of weeks later in December.

Despite the falling out and the very fresh "apology" of the Abuser, my husband and I both had agreed that he would not go without me to his wedding. He would stand up by me. His wife. Question of respect. Like a united couple. Married couple come as a pair, and as a married couple, we are part of a team, right? If he is invited, WE are invited.
That was the deal, right?

To be even more precise, we were meant to go ONLY to the wedding ceremony but not to the reception/party because of all these ongoing issues with the Abuser. 
And to avoid all the other issues with the ex and all the haters getting mad because I am here as well. Oh I feel so loved....

So we had even planned to drive back home (3 hours drive) right after the ceremony and get ready to go out and have a meal somewhere the both of us.

When the Abuser gave me the fresh news of me being excluded from his wedding, I was so shocked I couldn't even properly talk english or rather I couldn't even talk anymore on the phone. I felt as if the sky felt on my head.

The Abuser told my Husband that he wanted Daddy to come alone, not with his wife. Not because of himself the good son Abuser, but because of all the Haters. I have a very big non-fan club apparently. He even let me know that my own very brave husband had agreed with him (I can not get over my husband's cowardness). That killed me.

My very brave husband knew about this change of cap as he was himself a part of it,  but didn't bother to tell me himself about the fact that he would go without me but with his own sister and leave me on my very own for that occasion the whole weekend. No, he didn't tell me anything, he chose what he does best, the oastrich, thinking that by not saying things he would avoid all the problems.

It wouldn't have been such a massive shock to me if I had heard the news from my own husband's mouth rather than to hear it from the mouth of the one who traumatised me in my own home 2 years ago and who just apologized a week ago. The one who slowly but surely eroded my relationship with my husband.

And I shouldn't take it personally ?

My husband leaving me alone that weekend and going without me felt like a sign that he is willing to let other separate him from me, let other disrespect me and put a wedge in our relationship.

I was very sick when I was left alone that weekend. And I mean very sick. When my husband called me, I cried on the phone but he was busy drinking and laughing. Why the fuck am I with him?

I didn't recognize myself and could feel I was getting very very low, very very depressed, very anxious and those feeling persisted month after month. I kind of get tearful anywhere. I want to get out of this black hole.
As a direct consequence, I had a bad nervous breakdown after that. I couldn't sleep any more, I couldn't eat any more. I had constant headaches. I cried constantly. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and as a result I lost 4 kilos within 2 weeks. 
But who cares?
I went back to France and my husband went back in Australia for 7 weeks.

I feel as if they are all trying to push me out of their life, husband included. Fine. I am no longer interested in joining the club. As his wife I really thought I was a part of it ! That was what he kept saying. Such a loving family isn't it. I wasted so much time trying to be accepted rather than my own well-being.

They are turning the trust I had into cynism and I felt so much bitterness and resentment inside me I wanted to throw up every day. I dont like the woman I became. From very open to closed off, from joyous to bitter, from happy to depressed. What's the point in this mascarade mariage?

I don't care anymore what they think, I don't care what anybody think and whether they laugh at me. 
They can go to hell. Karma is a bitch.

It's awful to exclude someone like that, it's awful to be excluded like that, by my own husband especially when you left everything to be with him.
My husband did not have my back. That's a fact.
I truly counted him as my soul mate, But for that I need to feel he has my back. Always. I have a deep-seated very human need to feel I can trust him, and that if someone is sticking in the knife when I’m not there, and when I am there, I want to know he'll defend me, just as I would defend him  if roles were reversed. 
Besides, I need to know my husband will never be the one "wielding the dagger".... Ironic, isn't it? 
This was kind of the last straw.
I feel so very hurt, very wounded.  
I've got a knife shaped wound right in the back of my heart. Like one of these wounds that never heal. I need to pull that knife off my back and take a good and long hard look at it.

I love him deeply but my trust in my own husband once again has been severely shaken.

I have never experienced such a message of rejection as consistent and as strong as they have had at me.
I am thinking of going back home, in France. At last.
And for my  mental state and for my sake, I will.