Here is the first email I got from the Abuser after 2 years of silence. He wrote me that letter just below 2 years after the aggression. When I read it, I was dubious of his sincerity and I didn't believe at all in this so-called apology. He is implying that we had a simple "argument" ! As if it were normal for a young man to attack an older woman, let alone in her own house.
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"Dear Abused"
This mail is long overdue and i should have got in contact with you a lot sooner than this.
This mail is long overdue and i should have got in contact with you a lot sooner than this.
I am writing this because i want to try and be friends again.
First i want to apologise for the argument we had all that time ago, i never should have lost my temper and i didn't mean to upset or hurt you. I should have had a lot more respect for you.
I am sorry that after all our good times watching films and going for drives and being friends, one night and argument has ruined everything for the both of us.
2 Years is a long time without talking and not being friends, a lot has changed in that time. I understand that things can never be the way they were, but if you are willing, i would like for us to try and be friends again. After all we will both always be a part of Xs life and i think it would be a better life for us all if we once again could have some respect and friendship with each other.
The only thing i ask is that you can also understand some things, that while X is my father and he has helped me out, I am my own person and have also worked very hard to get to where i am. I may be young but i am no idiot, i understand and appreciate more than you may realise. Respect is important, it must be earned and is a two way thing, you can not ask for respect if you can not give respect.
I say those things only to make clear my feelings, so that you can understand where i am coming from.
My Father Loves and cares for you, I have good memories of our times together, I would like to try and build bridges with you again because we have lost more in one argument than we ever should have.
If you'd prefer to talk on the phone just let me know when would be best for you, but i found it easier to say what i wanted to say in an e-mail.
I hope things are going well for you and that it is not too much of a struggle with X being in Australia.
I look forward to hearing from you.
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When I first read this email above, I was so shocked. I can't explain. Time passed by but I felt very uncomfortable reading this letter. Everything came back and I felt terrible. I then decided to write what I had deeply hidden. Here is, in blue, my very bitter response to the Abuser.
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"Dear Abuser"
First, I acknowledge your apologies. But then I need to let out my feelings.
I had always done my best to make you (and anyone invited to my house) feel welcome, I had always cared for you and I never ever mistreated or lacked respect for you until that night you targeted me and very drunkenly followed me in my bedroom and violently grabbed me by the throat. No one in my whole life has ever ever disrespected me like you did. In my own home. You crossed the line.
How a massive chock it was. I would never have imagined that would have happened to me in my own home. And the worst thing Serge is I trusted you and I felt really betrayed. I so did not expect that from you. Or from anyone at all. You hurt me deep down. I suffered so much your door-slamming rage, your physical assault and your verbal abuse. This horrible situation left me feeling so powerless and extremely overwhelmed. A 6 foot+ step-son in his twenties assaulting a tiny Woman in her 40. How brave. I couldn't figure out how to handle it. For months I felt confused, desoriented and struggled to get over it as every time I saw you or heard you I just wanted to get away from you. I was scared of you. I just wanted to feel safe again in my own house. I am a person who bottles things up and for months and months it kept eating me inside. You made me feel so insecure and anxious in so many ways.
You cant even imagine the shit I was going through and all alone. No woman deserves to be treated like that.
But again maybe, I may have misunderstood... I hope so for the sake of a future. It might not have been intentional? Or personal ? or... whatever.
I do hope that I am wrong when I say I feel that you don't seem to realise how much it traumatised me, how much it affected in very negative ways X and myself, how much it disrupted and impacted very badly our lives. You caused us so much pain in our own relationship. And know that we both can not understand or accept that terrible behaviour you had.
And I agree, we need to try and work on our relationship.
I won't look back and have regrets
I forgive you despite feeling somewhat uncomfortable. Despite still feeling bruised inside.
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I need to add that when all this exchange of emails happened, I just learned via a letter that my mum had died a few months ago and I wasn't in a good mood at all to discuss things, let alone with him, and I was feeling very very low. Getting things off my chest left me feeling neither better nor relieved. I still had a lot of resentment and anger towards him but I promised myself I'll try to move forward. So I thought that was the end of it.Move forward. So I thought.
But then.....
Just below is the second email The Abused wrote in response to my letterThat long and loving letter he wrote below right after he read mine shocked the hell out of me. He was so agressive, hostile, hateful and violent in his writing. I could feel the violence just by reading it. I didn't have a clue why he reacted that way. I was so relieved not to be standing in front of him !I was left feeling again incredibly hurt and gutted and even ashamed of trying to forgive him.In black, his lovely words.And in blue are the responses I sent after I read his loving letter.It guess it will be easier to read first his part in black and then read my response in blue.
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Dear Abused,
Thank you for your response.
Not let me be clear in my response to you. First I would would offer my condolences to you for your loss. I would also like to congratulate you on your excellent progression in your English writing skills.
Not my feelings at the moment are of extreme aggravation and anger. I will explain why that is now. What you have written as the events of that evening are wrong. I can only apologise for what actually happened, not for this abomination that you have conceived.
(If you read again my email, I mainly talked about how I felt and the consequences of your attitude towards me. I have not conceived anything. The only thing I described it When I say you followed me drunkenly and grabbed me by the throat, you did grabbed the 2 edges of my shirt, and by doing that you lifted me, my feet were pedaling in the air, trying to get on the ground, I don't know how to say it in properly, and I got a big bruise from my leg hurting the edge of the bed. And you threw me on my bed. If that is not violence Serge, what is it ? The rest is purely subjective and what and how I felt.)
So I will recall that evenings events as I remember it. I have a wonderful memory, not matter how drunk get I always remember what is said and done.
We had a lovely evening, food,wine, etcetera. At this point we were all pretty drunk. We were talking about mine and X's possible wedding in the future. It started to get heated, X was saying that I should have the wedding in Switzerland, which I thought was a terrible idea considering almost all my family and Laura's family was in this country. We started to discuss yours and Xs wedding, where you said you were unhappy as non of your friends were able to come and it was only vitals friends who could make it. I said that the most important thing was you and him getting married and that you loved each other. You starting saying that I didn't know what I was talking about and how could I understand anything, to which I got angry because I wasn't expecting such a reaction, when at the time I was actually trying to be nice. I once again said the most important thing was you and him getting married, not who was there. You wouldn't answer, which really angered me as I thought that was incredibly disrespectful on my father. You stormed off, I was very angry, I followed you and yes I shouted at you. You were shouting also, I was so angry and frustrated that I pushed you on to your bed and then left. I was immediately sorry, and said so to vital. I thought that I had ruined everything and possibly ruined your marriage.
Those are the events as I saw them. I did that 'target you', I did not grab you 'by the throat', you were not a complete victim, targeted by your evil step-son completely unprovoked. I have never done that to anyone before or since, and while I am very sorry for what I did do to you,which I apologised for the day after, the week after and the last email I sent to you, I will not be held accountable for the events that you have portrayed.
Anyone that knows me, knows I don't just get angry out of no where, that I don't physically start fights for people. Please don't claim to have always tried your best for me either or that you have always respected me. I made almost all the effort with you, I took you out on the weekends, went shopping with you, bought dinner, bought films to watch with you. I always appreciated what you did do and tried to understand your situation. But there were times where you also disrespected me, remember the conversation where you were saying that vital did everything for me, got me my work, my car etc and that I would 'be lost with out my daddy?' And I got angry with you because of that, especially because I had never called him 'daddy' in my life?
(I never said you never respected me. Read again. I felt and know you did until that night. And of course I really did too. Reading you is like discovering petty stuff, things that have hurt you, but because you did not bothered talking about that at the time it happened, I did not have a clue about that. How to "fix" it if you don't know it?Regarding the conversation about Vital, I honestly do not recall a random conversation from all these years and If I said so I certainly didn't want to disrespect you and really apologize if I hurt you. Besides I know you never "hide" behind Daddy...)
So please don't make yourself out to be the hard done victim and me the horrible bastard that has abused you in the most horrible of ways. I tried my hardest with you, and I loved and cared for you, that was genuine, and that is the reason I have tried to make amends with you, I am deeply sorry for what I DID DO to you, that hasn't changed either. But if you can't realise that it was you who drove me that crazy, that what you are accusing me of where you are the completely innocent victim and I am the complete monster, where you had no part in the argument and I just attacked you out of the blue, I can't accept that. I know who I am, and what my nature is, what you are saying is a lie. I can only apologise for the truth, and the hurt feelings and trauma I may have put you through.
(It's good to know it was genuine.It can not possibly be a lie because I opened my heart and wrote once again only about how I felt and how it disrupted my life.
I never said I was blameless, innocent or perfect or whatever !
But what I am trying to say is that you do not realise at all is that you need to know there is no excuse for abuse. Whoever drive you crazy does not justify any violence in return.)
So after that bullshit, maybe you do need lessons on respect from me, because I have never felt disrespected by someone after reading that email with your bloody exaggerated and made up events.
So yes I would still like to try and sort this out, but I had never realised how much work there was to do, because at least I can see that I have done wrong and have apologised and am making an effort, but you need to realise that you are not completely blameless in this like you seem to think you are. I know the truth on the events of that night, I recall it all with perfect clarity. You obviously can't, and until you see that night as to what really happened, then I cannot see how we can try and mend this relationship.
(I think you just need to calmly read my email again without any displaced feelings. I think you must have perceived all the pain and anger I felt on that email.Now, I have said my piece, you said you piece, I am not interested in doing a "point scoring" or whatever it is called.)
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| The Abuser |
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With his own words, The Abuser even admitted that he "targeted" me on purpose and he got violent towards me for no real reason other than the fact I did not want to respond. When he started to get verbally aggressive towards me, I stupidly enough refused to respond to him so that things wouldn't escalate... Well it definitely had the opposite effect. But I felt kind of "relieved" that he wrote with the same anger as I could tell he didn't even realise that he owned up to the fact that he definitely decided to target me that night.Anyway. At that point, I couldn't care less. decided to let go and not respond anymore. He disgusted me.Then a few moment later, I received another email below.
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"Dear Abused"
Well maybe I have misinterpreted the tone your email, but to read the way you put it made out in my mind that I was the biggest monster to ever walk this earth, that I attack helpless woman, completely unprovoked and have no remorse or comprehension of what is right or wrong.I understand that there is no excuse for any form of violence, especially towards a woman, after all I wouldn't have apologised to your face and in email if I wasn't aware of that. That is also part of the purpose of this conversation after all.
In regards to to the 'petty' stuff as you put it, the point to putting that in there is once again to shatter this image you portrayed in your last email of you being the perfect hard done by step mother, whilst I am the evil step son. I told how I felt at the time of that conversation, the point wasn't the argument, but the fact that the argument happened at all.
So let me try and be clear, I am not trying to score points, after all I wrote to you to try and sort things out, I am glad that I did so that we can try to 'fix' things as you put it, since I wasn't aware of how you felt. I thank you for opening up, as I can appreciate that was very difficult. But I struggle with the tone and Condescending nature of the way you write, especially in your last email. I have apologised for my actions and am fully aware of why they were wrong, after all, it is not much of an apology if you don't know what you are apologising for.
So if you are willing to move forward from this then I obviously I am as well. I fully appreciate that our relationship will never be the same as it was before, but I am willing to try to make amends if you are.
All the best
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Believe me, at this point, I didn't want to have anything to do with the Abuser anymore.
I didn't even want to try and arrange things between us any more
I was still so shocked by his previous very aggressive email. Once again, he went too far. I wish he'll be punished one day for the way he tormented me.
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